Who would have thought at this point in my life I would be stuck in COUGAR HELL!
As a forty something ex wife, mother of three and self described Alpha Female....I never thought I would be entering the world of dating and self reinvention at this phase of my life. How does one find themselves in this world of broken hearts and fall apart’s? Hell if I know!.......I just know I landed in the middle of this lovely car crash and am trying to navigate my way to the off ramp.
It amazes me how this world is so diverse. Full of bitter women looking to avenge a wrong from a bad marriage, women who have embraced this crazy life and gone all out nuts, women lost in the past ...stuck...and looking to reclaim it, and those of us thrust into the center ring squinting to see past the glare of the circus lights.
How I got here is another story, Instead I will begin this tale from the middle.
I hate that word ...COUGAR!!! I mean, why are we referred to as a predatory cat? And not even a cool cat...like a PUMA or a TIGER or a JAGUAR! No we are referred to as COUGARS, the cat that never makes the news unless its swilling a martini at Joes Bar off the 403.
A few crazy chain smoking, stiletto wearing, cocktail swilling man eaters have unceremoniously brought that term upon all of us and even though I am sitting here in my Manolos with cigarette in hand, I am offended by the term! But alas, that is the moniker of my new found peer group.
Before entering this circus tent of COUGARDOM, I remember sitting on my couch, hair unkempt, pyjamas my style of choice, eating Ben & Jerry's directly from the tub and feeling like life as I knew it was over!.....I had gone from a bicycle built for two to a unicycle and had no idea where the wheel fell off!.....
Now what do I to do? I did what every red blooded nice girl does, I called my best girlfriends and fell apart. They came to my aid with our favourite men Jack, Johnny, Jim and Jose, as in Daniels, Walker, Beam and Cuervo….. And we laughed and cried and somehow they made me get off the couch.
This is NOT an easy process..... The getting off the couch part can take days, weeks, months or in my case years. But once you make the move. Keep going. I swore I would never meet another man until hell froze over.....Seems the underworld is cooling off these days as I entered the world of dating again.
Luckily for me a few of my friends also had been thrust into this COUGAR HELL and I had a posse to protect me. We had a daunting task ahead of us! We had to let go of the Birkenstocks and embrace the Louboutins. We had to toss the eco friendly mommy bags full of juice boxes and Dora bandages for Prada and other highly over priced bags of the world. We had to squeeze our squishy bodies into the spanks underwear and find the bras
that would lift and separate our droopy girls!.....Once outfitted in proper attire we were ready to take on the dating jungle.
I am here to tell you, COUGARDOM is insanity on steroids! In entering the COUGAR dating scene, one who has never had the pleasure of this experience can not truly appreciate its level of spirit crushing, soul sucking and integrity reducing attributes. This world is full of men. Men of every background, age, race, mental deficiency and disorder.
My first foray into the realm was that of the online dating world. After creating my highly intelligent yet creatively witty profile complete with pictures. I was approached by all sectors of CRAZY!
I was asked out by twenty something’s who had COUGAR on their list of things to do. I was contacted by married men looking for some spice on the side. I was approached by playboys looking to add to their harem and every now and then the forty something ne'er do well who still lives at home with his mom and 3 cats.
Where were the good guys? Where were the men who also had their lives unceremoniously ripped out from under them and were trying to find wonderful again just like me?
Sadly, they were few and far between. It seems most of the divorced men who had the ability to put words together in interesting sentences lacked things such as honesty, faithfulness, humour, character, tact, intelligence, let alone the basics like teeth and jobs!
Don’t get me wrong, I am sure there are wonderful, lovely men out here in the murky waters of the dating pool....As the saying says...THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA! Unfortunately I have snagged many weeds and muck in my search.
Henceforth I am determined to change this COUGAR moniker..... I don’t believe it serves us well….it attracts what we are NOT. We are not the man eaters of our predecessors...we are Crayons...we are colourful...unique...highly creative and when put together we are a rainbow of WONDERFUL....
We are meant to explore and colour outside the lines…we are free spirits embracing a whole new world….So NO…we are NOT COUGARS….we are CRAYONS and proud to LIVE OUT LOUD in Technicolor!
